Domestic Violence Survivors -
The Language of Victimization

by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Did you know you can spot a victim of domestic abuse without even hearing about her/his abusive relationship?

When you live in an abusive relationship, you develop interaction and communication patterns that you carry with you in other relationships.

I see this with my patients. In psychology, we call it “transference.”

Transference refers to the projection of the patient’s psychological world unto you while in the role of their therapist. This can consist of unconscious habits, needs, desires, expectations, beliefs, etc.

The transference offers a wealth of opportunity for psychotherapeutic process. It is a window into understanding and helping your patient.

Domestic Abuse Survivor Communication

With domestic abuse survivors, I often see two patterns of interaction and communication that alert me to the fact of this person’s potential prior or current victimization.

One is, when “yes” means “not really.” Abuse victims want your approval and acceptance. And they often believe that to get it they must give you what you want even if it is contrary to what they truly intend and authentically want for themselves.

The other subtle communication that I observe, with this type of person, is the flip side of “when ‘yes’ means ‘not really’.” I call it: “when ‘no’ means ‘maybe’.”

It’s classic victimization dialogue wherein the person wishing to set a boundary for themselves knows they will be challenged. They expect their boundaries not to be honored and respected by others. They may even feel an undertone of anxiety at the prospect of holding their own, because doing so is tied to conflict--combat--assault.

If you are a survivor of domestic abuse, you will want to recognize these interaction and communication patterns within yourself. As you do, you will awaken to what maintains this inauthentic and dysfunctional pattern of interacting with oneself and others. And moreover, you will open to discovering more honest and fulfilling ways of being with yourself and with others.

For more information about domestic abuse dynamics and healing, browse our resources at http://www.enddomesticabuse.org/ebooks.php and claim your Free Instant Access to your survivor success eInsights. Dr Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps individuals and families recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. Copyright 2009 Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. – Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

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