Verbally Abusive Relationship
3 Life-Saving Insights
for Verbal Abuse Survivors

 

 

by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

 

Have you ever noticed how verbal abusers will have a budding need that arises just behind the one you fulfilled moments prior? It’s as though their needs arise out from a bottomless pit.

Now other people may think the scary thing here is that the pit appears to be bottomless, but that is minor to the truth about verbally abusive people. Their needs pit sits behind a personal wall that they truly believe you should be able to see right through.

They expect you to know the next arising need before they inform you of its presentation. That’s a big part of the need fulfillment ordeal for them. In their minds, your failure to fulfill their unspoken needs supports their belief that you are not good enough—you don’t love them enough.

Verbal Abuse in Marriage

This may start slowly or shall I say, sporadically...and then before your know it over the years it becomes the wallpaper of your relationship. You both come to know that on a bimonthly or weekly basis there will be some kind of blowout stemming from your lack of x-ray vision.

“If you loved me, you would know that I need....”

“If you really cared about me, you would realize that I need...”

“If you weren’t so....(verbal rant)...., you could give me what I need.”

Get the picture? Your perceived failure to fulfill an unspoken need becomes the trigger for his (or her) verbal abuse shower. You can think of it as his personal trigger that ignites a disturbing pattern of verbally abusive behavior that violates you. Be mindful that this in no way implies that you control the switch for his/her trigger. Only they can do that.

Keys to Dealing with Verbally Abusive Behavior

Piercing the blind wall of insatiable need fulfillment is a challenge for anyone in a verbally abusive relationship. Here are some important eye-opener insights to remember in your efforts to survive amidst, transcend and deal with verbal abuse. (Be advised: even though this article speaks to women, verbal abuse survivors can be either women or men.)

1) Verbal abuse is actually an expression of disregard for oneself and another. Therefore, know that you are both in pain. This in no way is intended to minimize the hurt that you feel. Rather, it is to empower you to recognize that he is not the omnipotent gorilla he seeks to be in the moment. (The operative word here is “omnipotent.”) Think of him in his rant as “impotence longing omnipotence.”

2) The content of the verbally abusive rampage is not about you; rather the words used say more about the person being verbally abusive. In the heat of his moment, what spews forth from him is his own personal inner upset. And the content of that says more about him than it does about you.

3) Verbal emotional abuse goes in one direction—it escalates over time. It’s as though the vulgar words used become part of the spice of the verbally abusive relationship. Once he has showered you with the b____ word or the c_____ word or some other rank depersonalization, expect it again unless it has been addressed and dealt with effectively.

If you are subjected to verbally abusive behavior by your spouse, seek to better understand the larger dynamics behind the hurtful four letter words. Doing so will better equip you and your partner to break the cycle and heal the pain of verbal abuse.

For private, discrete and convenient resources helping people worldwide understand, end and heal verbal emotional abuse, visit www.domesticabusesupport.com and get your questions answered. Psychologist Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps individuals nationwide end and heal from domestic abuse. © Jeanne King, Ph.D. — Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention