Verbal Emotional Abuse
Are You Hit Out of the Blue?

Dr. King



by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Domestic abuse survivors notice how the verbal and emotional abuse to them shows up as though it came from out of the blue. In the moment the assault occurs they canít connect it to anything that they are doing at the time. Itís like it comes ďout of the blue.Ē

But, is it really out of the blue? I donít think so. It may have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with their current involvement with their abusive partner, however that doesnít make it out of the blue.

My sense is that it is not directly connected to anything that the abused did or said...but rather from something central to the battererís experience. So from where the victim stands, they havenít a clue as to what inspired the verbal emotional assault.

The Abuserís Verbal Emotional Blow

In your experience in an abusive relationship, have you ever wondered, ďWhere that character assault came from?Ē

Chances are it came from the inner ache within the abuser. Chances are he/she was feeling vulnerable, insecure or hurt. And the striking toward you was their means of dealing with their inadequacy.

Battering is not about power. It is the expression of impotence longing omnipotence. Itís not about strength. Itís weakness compensating for its perceived or felt deficiency.

Many people will tell you itís about control. More accurately, it is an effort to regain the sense of lost control.

Emotional and Verbal Abuse Is Not About You

If you are carrying on with an individual who uses verbal and psychological battering, note how the character assault you receive is not about you. You can notice this by the way in which it shows up out of the blue.

Now it may be triggered by something you said or did...but still this doesnít mean it has anything at all to do with you.

For example, look at Sam and Terry. Suddenly, Terry becomes the object of Samís disenchantment even though his character assassination isnít about her per say.

He wants her to know that she is deficient in her family/homemaking skills. Yet, she is a woman whose life centers around her nest and the people she calls family.

If Terry takes a step back and literally steps out of the line of Samís verbal abuse fire, she will notice that his fury has a life of its own and did not arise out of her actual actions or inactions. Most likely, the raw rage sprang out of Samís inner world and his efforts to compensate for his own pain.

If at first glance, the verbal emotional abuse appears to be coming at you from ďout of the blue,Ē rest assured that this is only an illusion. Abuse is not a random event. It is a surge of energy that serves the batterer in dealing with their inner world.

For more information about why verbal emotional abusers do what they do, take advantage of our domestic abuse resources and get instant access to free survivor success insights. Psychologist Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps couples nationwide end and heal from domestic abuse.

© Jeanne King, Ph.D. ó Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

Dr. Jeanne King is a licensed psychologist and domestic abuse consultant. Feel free to contact us if you need help with physical and/or emotional pain, stress-related illnesses, or relationship abuse issues at home or in court. Contact Us to reach Dr. King.