Shedding Domestic Violence Survivor Habits:
Whose Fault Is It?

by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Most of the time what people do to us is not about us; it’s all about them. But, when on the receiving end, we don’t see it that way. We assume it is because of us.

This is especially true of domestic violence survivors, who have become accustomed to believing other people’s actions toward them are their fault. It’s part of the indoctrination of intimate partner violence: “You made me do it.” “You made me say it, feel it, think it...”

Domestic Abuse Survivor Faulty Thinking

If you are a domestic abuse survivor, you know the drill. You also know (consciously or unconsciously) the reward system that works to establish your ownership of the other person’s actions, feelings and thoughts with respect to you.

Simply stated, if you agree to own responsibility for your batterer’s assault toward you, then you increase the likelihood of keeping the next one at bay. If you fail to agree, you may run the risk of further assault.

This thinking really does work to keep peace and harmony in abusive relationships. But in relationships that are not abusive, this causes real havoc. It generates misunderstandings and a loss of connection to what’s authentically true for you and for others.

Here are some things you will want to do in relationships that are not abusive in order to keep harmony within yourself and between you and others.

1) When the knee-jerk response hits, saying he/she did “such and such” because of what you said or did, stop and ask yourself, “It that true?” Let your answer meet the question innocently and effortlessly.

2) If your reply is “yes” or “I think so,” deepen your inquiry and ask, “Can I really know that it’s true?”

Chances are a tug of war will unfold within, wherein you tell yourself one thing but deep inside, as the chatter settles, you know just the opposite to possibly be true. You realize that you actually choose which of these possibilities you’re going to embrace

3) Give the other person the benefit of the doubt to be acting on behalf of himself or herself, rather then because of you. And should you wish to know more about what inspired what you observe, ask without assuming you know.

You will find that as you keep the doors open for people being who and what they are, as they are whatever they are, you will invite harmony between you and others, as well as within yourself.

For more insights and resources helping domestic violence survivors visit, www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com and take your free domestic abuse needs assessment. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps survivors recognize, end and heal from domestic violence.

Copyright 2009 Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com All Rights Reserved.

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