The Rescue Wolf
Battered Women and the Illusion of Help

by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Battered woman are one of the strongest and, at the same time, most vulnerable people I know. And here’s why...

In their struggle to escape intimate partner abuse dynamics, they can project less than appropriate expectations of salvation onto the rescuing party. And often times, what happens is a dynamic is set into place that is not that much different than the one the abused had/has with the controlling abusive partner/ex-partner.

Take a look at Sandra as she reaches out to discover that her lifeboat is not at all a lifeboat. Sometimes this person can come in the form of a divorce lawyer. Or, it may be a long lost cousin, a caring concerned neighbor, or an unqualified helping person.

For Sandra, the lifeboat was a person with an agenda beyond hers of setting herself free from a controlling partner’s dictates. While it is expected that two parties entering into any kind of relationship would each have a personal agenda, Sandra embraces an open “helping” hand without understanding what’s in it for the alleged lifeboat.

After months of deliberation and coaching, she continues to reach back bringing forward thoughts, feelings and attachments interregnal to the target abusive relationship. And her utterances are met with frustration, irritation, boarding resentment over her “holding on.”

The Light of Help

It occurs to Sandra that her so called helping hand has a greater investment in her leaving her ex than did she. And then when she lifts the helpers vail, she finds her own light.

As a psychologist specializing in domestic violence prevention, I see this time and time again. People suffering from maltreatment by their intimate partners latch onto wolves masked as sheep (or shall I say shepherds).

Immediately, these women feel a relief bigger than life itself, because for the first time—in a long time—someone is hearing their silenced voice and utter pain. And it feels good…though it may not necessarily be good for them.

Know the Binds, Know the Bonds

If you are in an intimate relationship laced with verbal abuse, coercive control and emotional exploitation, be mindful of the dynamics separate from the person. Truly understand what you are seeking help with first and foremost.

And second, know like you know your own what the “helpers” agenda is before stepping into the helping relationship. Ask your attorney what s/he intends to accomplish. Understand the biases of your family…the motives of your neighbors. Clearly grasp the importance of matching helper expertise and therapeutic change.

As you do this, you increase your potential of stepping into the light of help within, all while benefiting from resources that abound. For more information on the psychology of domestic abuse, visit http://www.enddomesticabuse.org/ebooks.php and claim Free Instant Access to The 7 Realities of Verbal Abuse. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people worldwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse.

© Dr Jeanne King — Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention