Domestic Violence Counseling
Will You Please Fix My Husband,
for Crying Out Loud!

by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Oftentimes men and women in abusive relationships seek therapy primarily to “fix” the other person. He may say, “Will you fix her?” Or, she may say, “Please fix him.” But that’s not the way it works in domestic violence counseling.

The Therapy Fix

While it may be accurate that the things one says about the other are indeed true...or appear to be in play in their relationship, this doesn’t mean that a third party can wave a magic wand and make those things go away.

Psychotherapeutic change is an inside job. It must be inspired and driven by the person himself or herself. This inspiration can be their personal desire to change or their personal fear of losing the relationship and breaking up the family. But again, that inspiration and commitment for change is internal.

You can want your partner to change until you are blue in the face, and they still may not change. Because, change is always an inside job.

How Batterers Change

She may have brought him in kicking (or the other way around as the case may be), and he yields to the process of psychotherapy. Still his changes are internally driven each and every step of the way.

The therapist’s expertise is in facilitating the change process. And much of what is done in therapy serves to inspire change at varying points in the psychotherapeutic process.

In domestic abuse counseling, a cornerstone of this change process is accountability for the controlling and abusive behavior. And that, as we might assume, is self-initiated as well. Even in the case of court-appointed treatment, one must progress to embracing change for himself or herself and not for something or someone else.

Encourage Commitment to the Process

When you encourage your partner’s commitment to the process rather than demand his or her “fix,” you help your partner embrace and progress through the process. That is how you can help your partner change. Walk him/her to the water and let him/her drink.

For more information about domestic abuse counseling, visit www.preventabusiverelationships.com/domestic_violence_trt.php and claim your Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Psychologist Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps couples worldwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. © Jeanne King, Ph.D. — Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention