Domestic Abuse Help – Why Marital Therapy
Is Not the Treatment of Choice

by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Battered women, who have not yet declared themselves as domestic violence victims, but know that their partners are abusive, have many questions when it comes to therapy.

Often they want to see a therapist with their partner in hopes to remedy the marriage. However, marital therapy is the worst thing they can do for their marriage and for themselves. Here’s why...

What You Can Expect from Your Partner in Marital Therapy

1) If your partner is charming, assertive, manipulative and controlling, you can expect this is exactly how he* will be in therapy.

2) If he is effective in gaining the “trust” (at least initially) of people he engages, expect he will be effective doing the same here.

3) If he is likeable and convincing, expect him to exude the same likeability with the therapist you see together with him.

What You Can Encounter from the Couples Therapist

The marital therapist is a human being. And this person can be influenced like any other human being. Some are influenced inadvertently out of ignorance and some out of greed.

They can be blindsided with the abuse dynamics in play because they are not trained to be aware of these dynamics. Education in domestic abuse intervention is not part of a couple’s therapist training.

Then there are some therapists who will side with the paying partner (over the abused or over the therapeutic process) simply to keep the therapy going, whether indicated or contra-indicated.

Damages of Marital Therapy for the Abused

Couples therapy is based on a systems approach wherein the goal of the therapy is to maintain the homeostasis of the system. This is done by spreading the responsibility for the dysfunction between individuals across the system.

The net result will be that you will be expected to assume responsibility for potions of the battering behavior. And this is what maintains the abuse dynamic—not what interrupts the dynamic.

Further, your partner’s lack of ownership is given support and you can expect a continuation of his externalizing blame for his battering behavior. You may even see an escalation in his justifying his actions by virtue of your behavior. And you can expect an escalation in the intensity of abuse toward yourself.

Therapy for Couples in Abusive Relationships

Where then does one turn if verbal and emotional abuse are central issues in your relationship? Find a therapist knowledgeable in domestic abuse and therapeutic process to work with you on an individual basis. Start by working in one-on-one therapy individually with this person first.

Over time your partner may initiate individual therapy or not. The outcome of that therapy will be a function of his motivation and commitment to the therapeutic process.

Remember change is an inside job and you can only change yourself, just as he is the only one who can change him. For more information helping domestic abuse victims, browse our resources at http://www.EndDomesticAbuse.org. Dr Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps individuals and families recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. Copyright 2009 Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. – Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

*My reference to the pronoun he in this article is not to imply that men are not victimized by their female domestic partners.

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