Domestic Abuse Therapy
Do You Want a Violent Road or Peaceful Path?

 

 

by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Do you believe that you can influence interactions to become violent or non-violent? That is an empowering thought to know the choices we make impact the outcome of our experience. Oftentimes individuals in abusive relationships end up in heated arguments that become verbally and emotionally violent over an improper interpretation.

You get to choose whether or not you are going to be the insult? (Referencing an insight from a domestic abuse couple’s session). Imagine a string of words darting out from your partner’s mouth while you are in a conversation that has the potential of spiraling into fury.

In this slice of time, you have a choice. You can see the verbiage as an expression of him/her or as having to do with his/her perception of you...(which by the way is also about him/her). What are you going to choose?

He/She Thinks I Am...Or He/She Shows They Are…

More often than not our knee jerk response is to assume that what comes to us from another is about us. For example, look at Lynn and Jim having an everyday conversation.

Jim asks his wife Lynn a simple question about whether their young child Jack has homework. And Lynn clearly says, “No.” But Jim is not convinced of this being the case and asks again. “Are you sure?” he says.

In this moment the conversation can progress into a toxic rant or dwindle into mere casual dialogue. And the way it goes is largely about the interpretation one brings to the message...the meaning they choose to see in it.

Lynn can hear Jim challenging her with his second question. Or, she can perceive his second question as an expression of his own confusion.

If Lynn chooses to read Jim’s comment “Are you sure?” as an underhanded innuendo about her deficiency as their child’s mother, she could open the door for her own defensiveness.

On the other hand, she could choose to read into Jim’s re-questioning a message about Jim. It doesn’t even matter if she knows what it is about Jim. What is important for her to realize is that his comment is not about her. With this knowing, their communication will likely go in another direction void of defensiveness…and conflict.

When Lynn feels attacked by Jim, her tendency is to verbally fuss him into his place. In other words, she dives into a rant to regain the perceived lost power. Before starting domestic abuse therapy, Lynn and Jim spent loads of time in verbal shouting matches regaining power and control. At times these heated arguments became physical, resulting in either Lynn or Jim getting hurt and physically injured.

As an aside, nowhere in this therapy discussion are we pointing fingers, nor passing judgment. We are merely exposing interactional process.

Opening the door to this insight gives this couple a resource to avert dangerous interaction before it begins. With practice, this couple and those like Jim and Lynn grow to cultivate habits of non-violent communication.

For more information about domestic abuse therapy, visit http://www.enddomesticabuse.org/spousal_abuse_tx.php . Psychologist Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps peoples worldwide end and heal from domestic abuse.

© Jeanne King, Ph.D. — Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention