Abusive Relationship Signs
Is Your Love Endlessly Inadequate?
by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.
“I am convinced that you do not love me the way I want/need to be loved by you and I will spend the rest of my life convincing you that this is so!” Sound familiar?
Some people are so firmly attached to their delusional thoughts about how you don’t care about them that they will do just about anything to convince you of their reality.
And in this charade you become increasingly tired, disenchanted and lonely. You know that no matter what you do and what you say, your partner will find some “evidence” lurking in life to confirm his/her belief that they hold as gospel truth.
This so-called evidence then becomes their handle to lure you into countless arguments over their proving your inadequate love for them.
If You Loved Me, Then You Would...
In their mind, if you loved them then you would be doing ABC for them or you would be giving XYZ to them. And in either case, chances are you probably wouldn’t be able to deliver it to their satisfaction.
Your perceived deficiency keeps their belief about you in check. And you go round and round this merry-go-round of defective loving. Let’s face it, if you really loved them, you would ABC.
You Must Not Love Me, If You...
Eventually you reach a point in which it occurs to you that their commitment to their belief of your inadequate love is stronger than their actual love for you...so it appears.
With this understanding you wonder, “What is the point?” You cannot satisfy this person’s wishes. In time you come to see that what was once perceived as your deficiencies are really their inadequacies.
From here, you may feel the emptiness of your connection. Or you could blindside yourself with compassionate empathy for their eternal unhappiness.
Responsibility and Love
Holding you accountable for satisfying their needs is one of the things that this partner does to keep you bobbing. It’s part of the “power and control” tactic of abusive relationships.
As long as you believe that your love is inadequate, you continue striving toward making it satisfying. However, you do not hold the key to “satisfaction.” That is an inside job.
Know this: each person is responsible for his or her expression and interpretation of love. Not sometimes; every time.
If you resonate with the concept of endlessly inadequate love, ask yourself this very important question. Are you assuming responsibility for your partner feeling loved? If the answer is “yes,” you could be in an endless toxic struggle.
© Jeanne King, Ph.D. — Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention
Dr. Jeanne King is a licensed psychologist and domestic abuse consultant. Feel free to contact us if you need help with physical and/or emotional pain, stress-related illnesses, or relationship abuse issues at home or in court. Contact Us to reach Dr. King.