Sex and Control – The Dangers of Complacency
Sex in Controlling Relationships

by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

“Complacency sex” is having sex so as to avoid the consequences of not having sex. It’s a very common practice in controlling relationships. I see it, more often than not, in the abusive relationships that come to me in professional practice.

It usually starts out innocently and as a result of the woman (in the case of heterosexual relationships) encountering the aftermath of refusing sex. She could be met with her controlling husband’s inquisition...his self-pity...his retaliation.

What he becomes is, by in large, a function of his personality and make up. Nonetheless, you can count on it being a thorn in her side.

Complacency Sex as Thorn Prevention

It doesn’t take long for her to learn how to manipulate things so as to avoid that thorn in her side...and before you know it, complacency sex is the order of the day.

The act of “love-making” becomes her private “thorn prevention.” I say it’s private, because she does not share her intentions with her controlling husband.

Now in many cases, she has mixed “motives” in the sexual intimacy encounter. She may be an active participant enjoying the sexual experience with her partner. But, the inspiration for the encounter is more about complacency and the avoidance of the consequences of not having sex.

The Dangers of Complacency Sex

Months and even years can go by while living the dangers of complacency sex without any awareness of the root cause. What are the dangers of complacency sex?

• It eats at the core of your being. You know something feels "off" with respect to your connection with your partner. And this gnaws at you, yet you fail to identify exactly what that is.

• It robs you of feeling whole. There’s an emptiness that accompanies the after-glow of complacency sex. It’s as though you experience your shattered self and incompleteness over your wholeness.

• It dismantles your assertiveness skills. Your compromised wholeness can be so significant that you carry it into other activities in other relationships. You catch yourself passively holding back, navigating waves rather than creating them.

• It distances you from your intimate partner. Complacency sex does not make you feel closer to your controlling husband; to the contrary, it leaves you feeling disconnected with respect to him.

If you are in an abusive relationship in which the violence has been arrested and you discover elements of control leaking into your sexual encounters, be mindful of the dark hole of complacency sex. Learn to identify it, and avoid it becoming the wallpaper of your bedroom.

For more insights on help with controlling husbands, visit www.preventabusiverelationships.com/controlling_relationship.php and claim your Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Psychologist Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps couples nationwide end and heal from domestic abuse. © Jeanne King, Ph.D. — Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

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