Domestic Abuse Speaks
How to Break Your Silence and Stay Safe

by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Have you ever noticed how some people believe their aggressive actions toward you are acceptable, but your expressing them in the written word is not okay?

In other words, it is fine for them to exert abusive control over you, and it is expected that you suffer in silence. Then, when you break your silence—a whole new layer of hell breaks lose.

For example, you could share the fact that you are, indeed, hurting in the aftermath of an unpleasant, abusive encounter. If this sharing is done through report, letter, email or text, you could be accused of memorializing their assault upon you, which they then claim to be an assault upon them.

Who Done What???

If you are familiar with domestic abuse, you may know these dynamics. It is one of the classic consequences of the “incident report.” In other words, once you call the police in, things can escalate into another round wherein the accused becomes the victim.

From their perspective, they are vulnerable to becoming accountable for the assault toward you. However, if your lips remained sealed...they could dodge accountability indefinitely.

As a former domestic abuse survivor, psychologist and writer, I am well versed in these dynamics. It is a possible consequence of authenticity when it comes to domestic violence.

Think about it realistically. When one perceives that they are being accused of wrongdoing, they will reflexively seek to defend themselves. And, as you probably know, the best defense is a good offense.

The Power of the Pen

I first stumbled upon these dynamics when I bravely came forth in a two-day Evidentiary Hearing on family violence in my home. Voicing a 10-year history of spousal and child abuse was both liberating and life-changing for me.

But now with all these incidents “in print,” a new battle ensued—the goal of which was to protect my ex husband’s reputation and career. It did not look good for an obstetrician, labeled a “child abuser” and “wife batterer.”

Fast-forward 15 years. In the aftermath of our protracted proceedings (none of which were actually litigated), I wrote a book entitled All But My Soul: Abuse Beyond Control. Initially this 400 plus page manuscript was written to release the trauma from my own physiology.

It also provided a means for my children to reconnect with me after years of estrangement through domestic violence by proxy. Fortunately, that is exactly what happened as my oldest son located me through the 800 number published in the book.

It was as though someone placed my heart back into my chest. It was glorious until my child’s father learned of our re-connecting. Suddenly, the blessed manuscript became a sword victimizing the parties responsible for the court-documented abuse. It took years for us to recover from the alleged assault of the factual written word (all reflected in the public court record). Fortunately, we did.

Authenticity and Voice

I have seen these dynamics play out in my own life and in those of domestic abuse survivors worldwide. Whether, one breaks the silence through a court reporter’s pen, or through one’s own keyboard, or through a simple email or text...the net result can be the same.

The person speaking their truth feels liberated and the person referenced in the reporting acts victimized. If you seek to express the inner ache of spousal abuse, prepare yourself for the good, the bad and the ugly. As you walk in the freedom of expression, enjoy the liberation of authenticity and hold your own through the externalization ride. This, too, will pass as you see it for what it is.

For information on controlling abusive relationships, visit www.preventabusiverelationships.com/controlling_relationship.php and claim Free Instant Access to The 7 Realities of Verbal Abuse. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps individuals and couples worldwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse.

© Dr Jeanne King — Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention