Healing from Domestic Violence – Why Heal
Boundary Issues and Habits of Victimization

by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

“When I’m with you and I suddenly notice that I have lost me to my expense, then I’m no good for you, for me or for the relationship.” This is an important learning step for domestic violence survivors.

Far too often, what they do is overlook their personal aspirations while engaged in another person. And suddenly, their interaction with the other person fails to include two whole people.

You may have heard of this as “domestic abuse survivors have issues with boundaries.” Usually they do, and understandably so. Their experience in their abusive relationship masterfully conditions the surrendering of one’s own personal boundaries in order to survive in the relationship.

The releasing of their own boundaries gives way to their securing the affections they seek and holding at bay the violence they fear. Over time, their personal boundaries become so flimsy that one might say they do not exist.

The Real Tragedy of Boundary Loss for Domestic Abuse Survivors

1) They set the stage for a controlling relationship by default. That is, all directives establishing parameters for the relationship are “other” driven. And many of these so-called directives fail to factor in their own personal desires and aspirations.

2) They miss the opportunity to have themselves show up in the relationship. They miss the opportunity to have that which they longed for in their prior abusive relationship—an honoring of and for themselves.

3) They fail to give the relationship the benefit of two people, and they fail to invite their partner into knowing them. Essentially, they offer a 24/7 mirror to the other person, and ultimately come to regret that their needs are not met.

If you have spent over six months in an abusive relationship, it’s likely that you know these boundary issues. You owe it to yourself, to new partners and to new relationships to become steadfast in changing these victimization habits.

The sooner you do, the greater the chances are for you to blossom in future relationships. And as you do that, you will enjoy being more than you are with another person, rather than less than you are.

For more insights about domestic abuse healing, read Psychological Healing for Domestic Violence and Domestic Abuse Healing from Within. Dr Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/psychological_healing.php Copyright 2010 Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

This series of eInsights is presented to you by Partners in Prevention, a nonprofit organization. If you find this eInsight article useful, we invite you to contribute to the maintenance and growth of the Survivor Success Tips & eInsights. To make a tax-deductible donation, please visit www.EndDomesticAbuse.org