Abusive Controlling Relationships
The Success and Failure Blame Game

 

 

by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Have you ever noticed how some people want you to believe that you are responsible for their successes and for their losses? They assign credit to you for all of this, and in so doing they do not hold accountability whatsoever.

We see this pattern in abusive relationships. In fact, it is a large part of the glue that holds the dysfunctional dynamics of controlling relationships together. The abusive partner will credit his/her partner for their mishaps, including business damages, personal conflict, financial losses and even health problems. You name it.

Further, it doesn’t stop here. Blaming controlling partners also hold their “accountability target” responsible for their beliefs and feelings. They seek to establish that their partners are responsible for their happiness, their well-being and their wholeness in life.

The Blame Game and Happiness

In other writings you may have heard me refer to this as the “blame game.” In many respects it is essentially about the externalization of blame. Take Leslie and Carl, for example. As always we realize that domestic abuse crosses gender and can go either way—him to her, her to him or both to one another. For the sake of simplicity and clarity, we will refer to Leslie as the abused and Carl as the controlling abusive partner.

Carl wants Leslie to know that she holds the key to his heart and this gives her the responsibility to “make” him happy. He wants her to realize how much he depends on her efforts along these lines for his basic emotional survival. Her affectionate gestures keep him going, her overtures of relentless servitude feed his inner emptiness, and her ongoing denial of her own needs elevates his sense of self.

The message to Leslie is one of empowerment, even though rooted in obvious entrapment. On the surface, she holds the keys to his happiness; so it seems. She can lift his well-being as well as influence its demise. She can even do this unintentionally.

The problem this holds for Leslie is that with this “leverage—privilege—job-assignment” comes the burden of responsibility consequences. At the end of the day, Leslie can no more make this man happy than she can influence the weather. Carl’s happiness can only come from within.

Leslie is entrapped in this dynamic to the extent that she buys into the illusion that she is indeed responsible for Carl’s thoughts, feelings and actions. As long as she holds the “assignment” she also shoulders the burden. The moment Leslie awakens to the fact that she is not responsible for Carl’s successes and failures…she is free.

If you recognize these dynamics in your relationship, seek to break the pattern of partner blame. For information on therapeutic change in abusive relationships, visit http://www.enddomesticabuse.org/domestic_violence_trt.php and claim Free Instant Access to The 7 Realities of Verbal Abuse. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps individuals and couples worldwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse.

© Dr Jeanne King — Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention