Psychology of Abusive Relationships
Who’s Holding Your Happiness Card?

by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Have you ever noticed how controlling people in abusive relationships seek to control your happiness? It’s as though they assume they hold the key to your well-being and shun the notion of you being in the driver seat.

Then should you evidence your having taken charge in this way, there is a price. You may be reprimanded, demeaned, diminished and not know where it is coming from. What you do know is there is a direct relationship between your self-sufficient happiness and your partner’s expressed disenchantment with you.

Eventually, you learn to hide your moments of pleasure (and activities) that bring you well-being, so as to avoid the relationship conflict associated with it. Over the years helping women (and men) in abusive controlling relationships, I have seen people conceal everything from new shoes to snicker bars to gym memberships to spa days all in an effort to avoid jealousy and rage rearing its ugly head in the aftermath of their positive experience.

My Secret Silence

I, too, know this like the back of my hand. Decades ago, I lived in an abusive relationship and met this challenge daily. I had a sitting practice in which I retreated into a quiet corner of our home. Closing eyes and letting go of all expectations of me, I'd settle into silence and linger there twenty...thirty minutes or so.

After a rounding off period, I’d re-enter into activity...beginning with simple effortless tasks. And from the distance the roars of resentment, hatred and rage stirred, all to be in my face before I knew it.

He’d say, “How in the hell can you go into a dark room, do nothing and come out happy.” From here, we danced through the “what’s wrong with you for meditating” game. I know it very well. We played it routinely for over ten years.

Controlling the Happiness Card

You may wonder, why is your inspiring your own happiness such a big deal to your partner? Is it the activity itself, the way it makes you feel or the fact that you yourself control and direct it? My belief is that this tug-of-war, common in abusive relationships, is all about control.

From the controlling spouse’s perspective, he/she holds the happiness card. And this means he/she is in charge of when, where and how happiness is dispensed. Take a look at how this dynamic plays out in your relationship. If you stumble upon this power play around simple personal pleasures, you will want to know all you can learn about abusive relationships before it spirals out of control.

For information on controlling abusive relationships, visit http://www.enddomesticabuse.org/controlling_relationship.php and claim Free Instant Access to The 7 Realities of Verbal Abuse. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps individuals and couples worldwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse.

© Dr Jeanne King — Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention