Abused Men
The Self-Silencing of Battered Men

 

by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Some of the saddest cases of domestic violence that I see are those involving battered men. These victims have all of the pain of being violated and abused by their female spouses, yet are void of the courage to expose their brutal circumstances.

Many abused men believe that no one will believe them and in most cases this is correct. Law enforcement can come into their home laughing at them or scorning them with doubt. The neighbors remain in disbelief.

Their male friends are not confidants of the abuse they endure because the embarrassment of being an abused man is over the top for them. Believe it or not, it’s easier for many men in abusive relationships to be seen as an abuser than it is to be identified as an abused man.

The Battering Within Abused Men

You are a “pussy” in your own mind when you fess-up to being an abused man. Not only are you pledging to put up with being battered behind the closed doors that you yourself finance, but you are publicly acknowledging your inability to deal with it.

Many battered men remain as the abused because they feel that they can and should be able to take her mental, verbal and psychological beatings. And when it comes to the physical abuse, they know that they are stronger than their female partners and this knowledge gives them a sense of foolish, false safety.

What they fail to realize is that male domestic violence homicide typically does not evolve out of a physical assault. More often they are as a result of a firearm shooting or poisoning of sorts...neither of which require muscle exceeding their own.

The primary reason these cases are so sad is because they are life-sentences for abuse “until death due us part.” These men remain committed to being controlled and abused by their spouses. I have even seen battered men reach out for therapeutic intervention and retreat back into the abuse once their battering wives realize they are the identified abuser.

Spousal Abuse and Child Abuse

If you are a man in an abusive relationship, the best thing you can do for your children and yourself is to step up to the plate and hold the courage to end domestic abuse. You will not only make yourself happier and healthier within, but you will interrupt a vicious and insidious cycle of family abuse in your home. Be mindful that when you expose your minor children to your being battered by your abusive wife, you and your spouse are engaging in a form of child abuse.

Your children are learning that violence is acceptable. They grow to know violation as painful, yet simply part of being in a family. In some cases these same children can become abusers and/or partner abuse victims themselves.

The psychological injury that your children weather along the way is devastating and can be seriously damaging. If you are an abused man, seek to end the domestic abuse in your home—if not for yourself—for the sake of the little ones in your life.

For information on ending domestic abuse, visit http://www.enddomesticabuse.org/domestic_violence_trt.php and claim Free Instant Access the 7 Realities of Verbal Abuse. Our programs help men (as well as women) in abusive relationships. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people nationwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse.

© Jeanne King, Ph.D. — Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention