Abuse Dynamics After the Abusive Relationship
In You and Outside of You at the Same Time

 

 

by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Have you ever noticed, as a battered mother, how you have difficult regressive moments while with your previously estranged adult children?

It feels like this...It’s in you and it’s outside of you at the same time. And from here, it is “icky,” as many people describe. It’s as though you’re right back where you were when you were with your abusive ex-spouse. Yet, you are engaged in an interaction with the adult child that you love and who loves you. Why do the icky feelings of the abuse dynamic return?

Muscle Memory and Psychological Trauma

There are certain ways of survival living in an abusive relationship. And once in you, the muscle memory remains...unless you actively extract it out of your being.

I think of it as the muscle memory of the abusive engagement pattern. A taste of it creeps in from the outside and triggers a full-blown reflex memory wherein you find yourself being exactly as you where then.

It feels like it is in you and outside of you at the same time, because it is precisely that. It might be that your adult child resembles, or has mannerisms mimicking those of, her/his other parent. Or, it could be that he/she has acquired behaviors and interaction patterns experienced through the domestic abuse in the family. In this way it is outside of you.

Your reflective (and in most cases unconscious) way of being—way of surviving in the abuse dynamic—comes right back live in you in the moment. It’s in you at the same time. You feel the experience of being in the abusive relationship.

Past and Present Abuse Dynamics

Abuse dynamics are really just that... They are dynamic and interactional. The behaviors and feelings expressing the dynamic will come and go. Fortunately for you, they are dynamic.

They are not static and they do not define you. They surface and recede. And they can present as though they are in you and outside of you at the same time.

Being Who You Are Is All You Can Be

I see many formally battered women (and men) beat themselves up after the fact when they encounter these moments. They claim to be stuck in the old ways of being and that haunts and taunts them. But, the fact of the matter is that these are just moments.

Can you be with yourself standing in the light of understanding and compassion? As you do, these muscle memories loss their grip freeing you to be who you are beyond the abuse memory.

For more insights about the psychology of healing domestic abuse visit www.preventabusiverelationships.com/psychological_healing.php and get your free domestic abuse resource ebook. Psychologist Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps peoples worldwide end and heal from domestic abuse.

© Jeanne King, Ph.D. — Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention