The 3 Key Factors Couples Must Eliminate
in Order to End Domestic Abuse
by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.
Many people believe that the “fix” to their relationship problems comes from the outside. It is essentially what you put into the mix. It is the ingredient that you add to your existing situation, dynamic...state of affairs.
I believe it is what you take out that often makes for the most significant difference. I’m blessed today with an awareness of the importance of letting go of that, which doesn’t serve our highest good.
I just completed a cleanse. Normally, I can’t wait to return to my customary eating habits after a cleanse; however, this time I didn’t return to my routine as I knew it before. And I remain in awe at how this has changed me.
The subject of that is for another article on whole foods, but the core issue of “letting go” is so very relevant to domestic abuse education. The kindest thing couples in domestic abuse counseling can do for their relationship is to let go of that which no longer serves the highest good of the relationship.
Here are some things that benefit you when you and your partner let go of them.
Letting Go of Assumptions
You know what they say about the word assume. Look closely at the spelling. It is making an “a_ _ of you and me.” When we assume something to be fact without checking it out, we do our relationships and ourselves a disservice.
Couples in abusive relationships often hold their personal assumptions as “truth” before and instead of putting them to a reality check. Then, when life doesn’t support these assumptions, conflict ensues.
Practice letting go of your assumptions and overtime you will discover that you are less likely to create them. Life, instead, becomes inquiry…leaving you open to what’s authentically true for YOU.
Letting Go of Interpretations
Interpretations are the judgments that we place on our observations. They cloud reality, as do assumptions.
I’m reminded of a powerful statement from the Course in Miracles, which says, You are not upset/angry with what you think you are (paraphrased as cited in Jampolsky, G. Love Is Letting Go of Fear).It’s not in the external event or situation; rather it is in our processing of it. The way we assimilate that which is outside of us is what separates us from the pure essence of each other.
Another way of saying this is, “Nothing has meaning other than the meaning you give it.” Practice letting go of the meaning you attach to your partner’s gestures, behavior and comments, and you will open yourself to truly being in their presence.
Letting Go of Control
Control is the central theme in abusive relationships. Many people will tell you that they are all about control. Imagine letting go of your reflexive effort to regulate your partner’s thoughts, feelings and actions. Consider how you would experience yourself if it is not your responsibility to control their experience.
Now, I realize you were probably expecting me to write about the control that they exert over you as the abused. I get that. But this you do not control. When you both grasp the value of you being YOU beyond the control, an opening for a new relationship unfolds.
Your next natural question may be about your concerns regarding your partner holding onto his/her need to control your life. That’s understandable. I have found that couples in abusive relationships transform their relationship when each person relinquishes control over the other person’s change process. It opens the door for setting aside control antics in general.
It’s not what you put into yourself or into your relationship; it’s what you and your partner let go of… It’s what you give up that leads the way for a new, and more satisfying, way of being together to emerge.
For more information on ending domestic abuse in your relationship, visit www.preventabusiverelationships.com/spousal_abuse_tx.php . Psychologist Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people worldwide end and heal from domestic abuse.
© Jeanne King, Ph.D. — Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention
Dr. Jeanne King is a licensed psychologist and domestic abuse consultant. Feel free to contact us if you need help with physical and/or emotional pain, stress-related illnesses, or relationship abuse issues at home or in court. Contact Us to reach Dr. King.