In an Abusive Relationship
4 Secrets to Rising Above a Batterer’s Abuse
by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.
There is a feeling that I know you will recognize if you live in an abusive relationship. It is the feeling of being repeatedly backed into someone’s doghouse. “Repeatedly” is the operative word here.
No matter what you say or do, your partner will find cause to call you on whatever and park your little rear end in his/her doghouse. After many trips to the doghouse, you get the pattern. You realize that whatever you do (or say), this person will find fault.
You even notice that this person appears to feel elevated with your trips to the doghouse. It is a perverted sense of well-being in that it is clearly connected to the demise toward you.
The Icky Feeling of Being in Their Doghouse, Over and Over
You wonder why you feel so depleted in this person’s presence. All of your resources are being spent on just staying out of the line of fire. But you know that is, of course, impossible.
The icky is what remains and it taps you of your very essence. I know this feeling and I trust you do as well.
Here are some things that you must know to ease the impact of this icky feeling and its aftermath.
1) You are making a conscious choice to walk this path with this person. Knowing this will help you take back some (or all) of your power in the relationship...even if it means letting it go.
If you must lose yourself to be in a relationship like this, ask yourself this chilling question: "Is it life-sustaining for you?" My sense is...to the contrary. This toxic road could shorten your life.
2) The ongoing battering toward you is not at all about you. The batterer’s attacks on you are expressions of his/her own projections.
With this understanding, you see there is nothing you can change about yourself that can make it work with this person. Because at the end of the day, their commitment is to keep you in their doghouse.
3) The disconnect you experience while moving in and out of the doghouse is appropriate to the experience. You are actually disconnecting from your source in the moment of the back and forth…yanking you around.
In time, you find yourself severed from your own vitality. You realize you cannot live like this. This toxic road is dangerous!
4) The ache you feel the day after is also quite understandable under the circumstances. Your very sacredness is ignored; all while you are encouraged to buy into someone else’s delusional state.
If this icky feeling and its aftermath resonate with you, take a hard and fast look at the dynamics of toxic relationships. Doing so will give you clear direction with respect to yours.
© Jeanne King, Ph.D. — Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention
Dr. Jeanne King is a licensed psychologist and domestic abuse consultant. Feel free to contact us if you need help with physical and/or emotional pain, stress-related illnesses, or relationship abuse issues at home or in court. Contact Us to reach Dr. King.