Verbally Abusive Relationship
Does Your Verbally Abusive Partner Hate You?

Dr. King



by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

People in verbally abusive relationships often feel “un-liked,” and in some cases hated, by their partners. It’s the conditioning of an abusive relationship. Repeatedly, they are told how awful they are.

As I write this I can hear the words I was blasted with over and over, nearly 20 years ago. Each word began with “un” and they reared out like a roller coaster. “Unappealing, undesirable, unloving....un, un, un” until I would shake. And then, of course, I’d remain up all night from the verbal beating.

I see this same kind of verbal emotional rampage in the relationships that I help. And there is no question about it, the routine trains and entrains one to believe in and feel their partner’s disgust.

Verbal Abuse Is Toxic

Verbal abuse is toxic to the core, and over time leaves mental memories of self-destruction and relationship destruction. People showered with verbal abuse become convinced of the message carried in the verbal assault.

This conviction, in turn, challenges their will to work on therapeutic remedy, because deep down inside they believe that their partners hate them. But these partners practiced in verbal abuse adore their “loved” ones. And what is really hated is not the abused, but their perception of the abused person’s unwillingness to nourish them.

Verbal Emotional Abuse Is a Weapon of Defense

The verbal abuser’s perception of their partner’s unwillingness to nourish them is at the core of what drives verbal abuse. So while you may think it is an “attack,” when you look at it from what inspires will see it is a defense of their inner injury. Or shall I say, it is an “offensive defense.”

The verbal abuser’s attack is a reflexive gesture to protect the wounded experience they project. It’s not about you. It’s all about them and their perception of your relationship with them.

This single awareness has helped couples coast-to-coast get beyond the impasse of feeling “un-liked” by their partners. Truly getting this understanding results in a shift to embrace therapeutic remedy.

The Pain of Verbal Abuse

If you are in an abusive relationship characterized by episodes of verbal beatings, trust your gut: the atmosphere in your relationship is toxic. And also know that the violence that rolls off your partner’s tongue is their pain oozing out.

And this pain results from their interpretation of circumstances before them and between the two of you. Now here’s the good part... When verbal abusers recognize this, they more readily break the cycle of verbal abuse.

For more information about healing domestic abuse in your relationship, visit and get instant access to free survivor success insights. Psychologist Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps couples nationwide end and heal from domestic abuse.

© Jeanne King, Ph.D. — Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

Dr. Jeanne King is a licensed psychologist and domestic abuse consultant. Feel free to contact us if you need help with physical and/or emotional pain, stress-related illnesses, or relationship abuse issues at home or in court. Contact Us to reach Dr. King.