Healing Parent Alienation
What’s Timing Have to Do With It? Everything!
by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.
There is a fine line between honoring your adult child’s need for psychological composure and creating your own personal clarification. The key to healing parental alienation is to walk this line with grace, strength and faith.
Women and men who have been pushed out of their children’s lives long to let their adult children know why they were not there and why they didn’t come back. But whom is this knowledge really going to serve?
As parents we may think it will help our adult children “heal.” But there again, who is healing here? Is it you or is it them?
Timing Is Everything
If the “clarification” oozes from you without any prompting by your adult child, then chances are it is for you. Be mindful of that and find ways to insure that giving this to yourself doesn’t net emotional backfire for your adult child.
There are times in which it is actually best to keep our history intact, and that includes our history of lies. Let’s face it, our history is the set of lies we buy, bought and live by. Look closely at the word history: his story!
So, let’s say that you sense your adult child’s confusion as to why you were not there for his/her growing childhood or adolescent years. Yet, you are aware that he/she is at crossroads in his/her own life. Your child could be trying to decide where to go to college, what job to pursue, where to live...any of many important life milestone decisions.
Clearly this would not be the time for you to offer unsolicited clarification regarding your absence in their prior years. While you may think it clears the deck and puts the missing pieces together, it may cause a stirring that complicates adequate functioning in the present.
Your clarification on one side of an the equation, can cause confusion on the other. The knowledge that you did ABC inspires inquiry of another fundamental lie that your adult child has embraced as truth through years of propaganda from others in your absence.
That confusion could interfere with dealing with what is present and that then undermine his/her ability to integrate your so-called clarification. It becomes a no-win for both of you.
Healing and Timing
If, on the other hand, your clarification springs out from an earnest desire to offer a sought after missing link...then expect a more integrative healing experience to occur. Timing is truly everything when it comes to healing.
As you and your adult child put your relationship back together, you will encounter these moments over and over again. If you feel your clarification adds to, rather than diminishes wholeness, then you will move in the direction you desire.
For more information about healing parental alienation, contact psychologist Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/consulting.html and claim your Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Psychologist Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps individuals nationwide end and heal from domestic abuse at home and in court. © Jeanne King, Ph.D. — Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention
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Dr. Jeanne King is a licensed psychologist and domestic abuse consultant. Feel free to contact us if you need help with physical and/or emotional pain, stress-related illnesses, or relationship abuse issues at home or in court. Contact Us to reach Dr. King.