Eliminating Controlling People
Ask Me Until You Wear Me Down

Dr. King


by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.


Have you noticed how some people will ask you to do something and you tell them “no,” you can’t do that on that day. And then they ask you again and again...and again. Sound familiar? It probably does, if you are dealing with controlling people.

It’s as though—in their mind—if they keep asking, eventually they will get the answer they desire. And, in a weak moment, you may even give it to them just to stop “the asking.”

But, when all is said and done, chances are you will change your mind and set them straight, or harbor some resentment for going along with what does not suit you.

I am a firm believer that we train people how to treat us. And you have the ability to train those who interact with you to do as I have described above or not.

You Are as They Need You to Be

When people do the relentless asking ordeal, you get to choose what you seek to train. So, for example, if you want them to be happy with you, you could fall into the “ask me until you wear me down” routine.

But, in the long run, they will not be happy and neither will you. Why? Because you have given them something that you will not deliver on or may deliver on with an undertone of resentment.

In the short run, you think you are pleasing them but what you are really doing is training them to not hear you...not know you...and certainly not honor and respect you.

You Are as You Are and They Are Good with That

If, on the other hand, you give their wishes an ear and insist that they give your wishes an ear, you teach them to respect you. And they grow to see you for who you are rather than whom they want you to be.

You give yourself the benefit of teasing out the relentless askers from the controlling people. Relentless askers will wake-up and cherish you more. Controlling people with will feel their own frustration and will not survive in a relationship with you.

Ultimately, you come to recognize the glory in your ability to teach people how to treat you. You see that you get to determine whether or not the people in your world allow you to be you. If they are good with you being you, both of you will be happy.

Boundaries and Respect in Everyday Interaction

Now this may sound very simplistic and subtle, and it is just that. However, the underlying conditioning for you and those with whom you interact is profound.

It’s a concrete way of seeing boundaries and respect. It makes concrete what often seems vague. The clearer your boundaries and self-respect become for you, the more forthcoming they are in your life.

For more information about controlling relationships, visit www.preventabusiverelationships.com/controlling_relationship.php and claim your Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Psychologist Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps couples nationwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. © Jeanne King, Ph.D. — Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

This series of eInsights is presented to you by Partners in Prevention, a nonprofit organization. If you find this eInsight article useful, we invite you to contribute to the maintenance and growth of the Survivor Success Tips & eInsights. To make a tax-deductible donation, please visit www.EndDomesticAbuse.org

Dr. Jeanne King is a licensed psychologist and domestic abuse consultant. Feel free to contact us if you need help with physical and/or emotional pain, stress-related illnesses, or relationship abuse issues at home or in court. Contact Us to reach Dr. King.