Money, Manipulation and Abusive Relationships
Shining the Light on the Need for
Domestic Abuse Counseling
by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.
In abusive relationships characterized by two-way interactional violence, money is often used as a means to plea for pardon. It is also a means to keep your partner saying, “I’m sorry.”
When used in this way, it can be a set-up for subsequent violent episodes. Here’s how...
Let’s say there is a true domestic violence assault under the belt of a couple trying to make things work out. She knows it and so does he. So, no one here is in denial or in the dark.
Money and Forgiveness
Now, as he eases back into the relationship, he may be met with her desire to continue to be “made up to.” Ongoing apology soliciting is well in her forefront. She feels entitled to be treated “nicely” to make up for what she has endured. And she may look to his wallet and expect financial overtures seeking repeated forgiveness.
He responds to these gestures consciously wanting what’s in his forefront—making up and moving on. But, deep inside, he knows the expenditures are beyond budget. Unconsciously, they will eat at him creating resentment that becomes his inner cue for the kind of escalating emotion that got him in trouble in the first place.
In the absence of effective domestic violence treatment, he most likely will not know what to do with his escalating arousal and could very well reflexively choose violence. However, in the short run, he wants so badly for the relationship to “mend,” he goes out of his way over-extending to insure his not losing her. And the underlying bitterness festers...as this pattern continues.
Money, Resentment and Disenchantment
Then, the day comes when he realizes that he has and continues to make financial decisions devoid of budget realities. So, he pulls back and resists.
She receives his resistance as rejection, and believes he is holding out on her. From her point of view, he went from being a “big spender” to becoming a “cheapskate.” And now she questions his “love” for her.
None of this was ever really about love and forgiveness. It was about manipulation. And this social-psychological manipulation has created the stage for his being flooded with resentment and her with disenchantment.
If you and your partner are struggling with this kind of manipulative, abusive behavior and violence in your relationship, seek to understand the dynamics of abuse and get domestic abuse counseling that can assist you and your partner in breaking the cycle of interactional relationship abuse and domestic violence.
For information on effective domestic abuse counseling, visit www.domesticabusetreatment.com. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people nationwide end and heal from domestic abuse. Copyright 2010 Jeanne King, Ph.D. – Domestic Violence Prevention and InterventionThis series of eInsights is presented to you by Partners in Prevention, a nonprofit organization. If you find this eInsight article useful, we invite you to contribute to the maintenance and growth of the Survivor Success Tips & eInsights. To make a tax-deductible donation, please visit www.EndDomesticAbuse.org
Dr. Jeanne King is a licensed psychologist and domestic abuse consultant. Feel free to contact us if you need help with physical and/or emotional pain, stress-related illnesses, or relationship abuse issues at home or in court. Contact Us to reach Dr. King.