When Your Intimate Moment
Becomes His Sword
by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.
Have you ever wondered why you become so reserved in an abusive relationship that you yourself don’t even know who you are?
You don’t share your vulnerabilities with your abusive partner because you know too well what it can bring. The day will come when your shared vulnerability is used against you. And it will probably happen when your partner doesn’t get something he/she wants.
Your partner can run about pouting as though you wronged them. And then to get even, the sharing you now regret is flung at you as though it is his/her sword. No wonder, you don’t want to let your guard down and share with this person.
Your Vulnerability - Their Weapon
Abusive people will pick up any weapon in their reach to strike when they are vulnerable. As long as it gets a rise out of you, they accomplish their mission. Here’s how this may play out in a real life situation. Take Megan and Steve, for example.
Megan has shared that she had a physical condition decades ago. Her sharing occurred in an intimate moment when the two of them were enjoying each other’s company. It was an innocent exchange in which the topic of the illness was something Steve was talking about in another context.
Without expecting anything other than closeness to come out of such a disclosure, Megan shares her ability to relate to the condition he is speaking about. At first, Megan is pleased to feel Steve’s embracing her and her circumstances (even though around something experienced years before).
Little does she know instead of building intimacy; he is fueling his war chest of baggage for use in the next battle. Weeks later, Steve makes a request of Megan and she is unwilling to comply. As is customary for their relationship, this opens the door for an ugly episode.
Steve takes her hesitation…resistance…refusal to yield to his wishes as a direct slight toward him and now the war is on. Steve becomes irate that Megan is “withholding.”
But is she really withholding? To the contrary, she is being authentic and there will be a price, as her authenticity doesn’t match his request. Her refusal to give into his wish/desire/demand becomes his “provocation,” so he says.
In his mind, he is “being provoked” and so he picks up the nearest weapon to fling about. It can very well be the shared disclosure exchanged in trust. And now before you know it, this shared moment is the sword of the day.
Steve is on a rant about Megan being as she is due to her past/present ailment. And this goes on and on... climaxing into Steve’s rumor that he now uses to defame Megan with her friends and loved ones. Her intimate moment with her partner is now her public disgrace.If you relate to this scenario, I strongly urge you to engage a professional to help you break this abuse cycle. For information on therapeutic change in abusive relationships visit http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/spousal_abuse_tx.php and claim Free Instant Access to The 7 Realities of Verbal Abuse. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps individuals and couples worldwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse.
© Dr Jeanne King — Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention
Dr. Jeanne King is a licensed psychologist and domestic abuse consultant. Feel free to contact us if you need help with physical and/or emotional pain, stress-related illnesses, or relationship abuse issues at home or in court. Contact Us to reach Dr. King.