How to Heal the Hate Side of
Domestic Violence by Proxy
by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.
When it comes to estranged parents healing their injury from domestic violence by proxy, there is the rosy side and the hardcore reality show. Some people think of these two sides as opposites: one on nourishing the love and the other on accepting the hate, doubt and fear.
I believe they go hand in hand. It’s only natural that one would need to become skilled in both to effectively deal with the outcome of domestic violence by proxy.
The Rosy Side of Healing Lost Love
In other writings I have expanded on this side of healing, helping people rekindle the compromised parent-child relationship. This focus will keep you aligned with your heart-song as a parent and the natural affections that you hold for your children.
It will be felt as the warm and fuzzy side...the side that feels good. It’s the place that most strive for in dealing with their injuries from domestic violence by proxy.
The Hardcore Reality of Healing Hate
Alienated parents often speak of how their children hate them. They know the rage these kids of domestic violence by proxy harbor. And they know the way in which that anger continues to be fueled.
What’s rarely talked about is how to deal with your experience of living on the end of these children’s fury, resentment and confusion.
Here are some things that you will want to embrace in your healing the impact of parental alienation as it lives in you.
1) They are their own people.
It is essential that you realize that they are their own people. They are responsible for their own thoughts, feelings and actions. Their confusion, while it /may sadden you/may make you sad, is for them to sort out. You can offer your input, but you cannot control their processing of it.
Their rage is theirs, too. You are not responsible for the management of anyone’s feelings, much less your estranged child’s fury. Now this doesn’t mean that you become cold and calloused toward the anger that you see. Rather it means that you allow them the resolution of their own experience.
And their hatred... Well that’s not yours either. That hatred lives within them even though you believe that their alienating parent planted it there. The beliefs and thoughts they hold belong only to them.
2) You are your own person.
Just as they are their own people, you are your own person. This is where the healing starts. This awareness is the cornerstone for the rest of your healing from domestic violence by proxy.
Once you fully embrace your being your own person, you are free and the joy of life rushes in...endlessly. (Please read this sentence again.)
You are responsible for your own thoughts, feelings and beliefs. Therefore, you get to chose how you will respond to what your poisoned children profess. Even though the brainwashing that you bump into gets under your skin, you can chew on it in whatever fashion you desire.
You get to draw the line on how much toxicity you will expose yourself to. It is your job to take care of yourself in the context of another person’s distain.
3) Relationships have a life of their own.
Relationships are the expression of the interaction of two individual people coming together as one. The relationship has a life of its own. When you can see it as its own entity, you can allow it to be as it is.
Look around you at the relationships people have with their children, their parents, their siblings, their friends, their neighbors. Personal relationships are not yours to control. They are yours to participate in only...
For more information about healing from domestic abuse, visit www.preventabusiverelationships.com/psychological_healing.php . Psychologist Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people worldwide end and heal from domestic abuse.
© Dr Jeanne King — Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention
Dr. Jeanne King is a licensed psychologist and domestic abuse consultant. Feel free to contact us if you need help with physical and/or emotional pain, stress-related illnesses, or relationship abuse issues at home or in court. Contact Us to reach Dr. King.