How to Heal Domestic Violence by Proxy
Be the Conflict or Be the Love

Dr. King



by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Domestic violence by proxy is one of those social diseases that, at first glance, appears to have no cure. When you’re “in” it (that is, experiencing it) you feel its futility and you convince yourself of its permanence.

Is that true? Is it permanent?

The Burden of DV by Proxy

I hear patients and clients talk about their being overcome by the feelings associated with the conflict they endured (and endure) with their ex-partners. It’s as though they are actually experiencing the conflict in the moment that they long to be beyond it.

You can feel the creepiness of it in your body. It is so familiar and so strange at the same time. On the one hand, you are reminded of how you felt when entangled in your divorce and post divorce warfare.

And at the same time, it is like a foreign disease plaguing your entire system. It haunts you and leaves you stumbling on the love that is both there and lost in the confusion.

Be the DV by Proxy Conflict or the Love

Going back to our question of… Is it permanent? I say, not necessarily so.

You can’t know from year-to-year, month-to-month what will connect or what could separate two people. That is just a fact of life. And so is this...

You and only you control your thoughts. Now your thoughts could be directed by someone else’s influence, but you and only you make the choice to yield to and invest in a particular focus.

If that focus were instead on the love object in and of itself, you would more likely avail yourself to healing the domestic violence by proxy as you feel it relative to your being estranged from your child.

Focus on and Feel the Love

Now you might be reading this and recalling the severity of your own loss and wonder, how can this be possible? You think to yourself that you don’t control the loss of the relationship (or the loss of the love as it may feel). But that’s not the point. It’s not about control. It’s about the focus of your attention.

As you bring it to the object of your love...which in the case of domestic violence by proxy--your child, a shift happens to you and in your experience.

If you and your child/children are victims of domestic violence by proxy, tune into the place in yourself that you do, indeed, control. Tune into the thoughts that are truly the building blocks of what you wish to create. And let your experience of that envelop you. You, too, will see the power your focus brings to healing domestic violence by proxy.

For more information about healing domestic abuse, visit Psychologist Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps individuals nationwide end and heal from domestic abuse.

© Jeanne King, Ph.D. — Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

Dr. Jeanne King is a licensed psychologist and domestic abuse consultant. Feel free to contact us if you need help with physical and/or emotional pain, stress-related illnesses, or relationship abuse issues at home or in court. Contact Us to reach Dr. King.