Abuse and Control
When Abusers Become Victims in Court,
in Community and at Home

 

 

by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

 

It is quite common for an abuser to perpetuate abuse and control by seeking to establish that you are the perpetrator and he/she is the victim. Sometimes this pattern happens in open court, other times in the police station or behind the closed doors of your own home.

Abuser’s Becoming Victims in Public

For example, your partner (male or female) could create a facial injury just in time to meet the police that you have called to your home, or even more disturbing that he has called to the home. He may convince law enforcement that you are the aggressor and before you know it...you have a domestic battery charge.

Or, you could be in the thralls of long drawn out divorce and custody dispute, and you find yourself accused of parental alienation. Your soon-to-be ex campaigns the court to recognize that you are interfering with his relationship with “his” children when the children fear his company and resist visitation.

You could even be labeled as a parental alienator if your kids resist visitation or telephone contact. Being a parental alienator serves to establish your partner’s victimization and your guilt as an abuser.

Domestic abuse survivors are so puzzled by this perpetrator flip. They cannot believe what’s happening especially when they have suffered blatant obvious forms of domestic abuse by their partner.

Abusers as Victims Behind Closed Doors

More commonplace is the use of the name-calling reversal perpetrator flip in which you are verbally or emotionally abused and also accused of being “the abuser.”

Your partner may have a long history of mental psychological abuse toward you. It can include a pattern of vulgar name-calling (including the b____, w_____ and c____ word). Then, when you make reference to an undesirable or offensive trait of his and put a label on it, or use words to describe what bothers you, he becomes the victim.

He will insist that you are abusing him by your referring to him in a derogatory fashion. There certainly may be more constructive ways to file your grievance, but your failure to employ effective communication then doesn’t make you an “abuser.” Yet, your partner engages the perpetrator flip—in which you are the perpetrator and he is the victim.

Why Do Perpetrators Flip the Victimization?

The obvious reason that abusers seek to establish that “you are the abuser and they are the victim” is to maintain control and avoid responsibility and accountability for their abusive actions toward you. And it works. They can be so very convincing that people—including you—begin to believe them.

Should you find yourself being manipulated or backed into becoming “the perpetrator,” take a hard and fast look at the dynamics of abuse and control in play. The sooner you do, the clearer things will be to those around you and to yourself.

For more information about abuse and control, visit http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/controlling_relationship.php and claim your Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Psychologist Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps individuals nationwide end and heal from domestic abuse at home and in court. © Jeanne King, Ph.D. — Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

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