Controlling Husbands
Why Do Violators Become Victims
in Controlling Relationships?

by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Have you ever noticed how domestic abuse perpetrators quickly become victims when you let them know that they are violating you? They want you to recognize how much you have hurt them by the mere fact of your disclosing to them that you are negatively affected by their actions toward you. From their point of view, such a disclosure is a violation to them.

It is almost as if they believe that their initial behavior is inconsequential relative to the “injuries” they feel after you file your complaint. It’s no wonder that domestic violence victims shy away from speaking their truth. More often then not, doing so results in an even greater violation to them.

Violator to Victim at Home

At home, you can be accused of hurting their feelings to punishing you with a counter blow of straying from the relationship or a so-called “justified” attack that takes the form of a major physical domestic assault.

Violator to Victim in Court

In court, it could take the form of a Pleading asking the court to punish you for doing things that you are not doing (or being what you may not be) or a more severe counter blow of seeking sole custody of your minor children.

Root Causes for Violators Becoming Victims

In working with couples in abusive relationships, I have noticed that the root cause for this “violator-to-victim flip” is essentially about a failure to assume responsibility for their battering behavior. Then, when they are successful in getting you to own the “bad partner” position, they become confident in deflecting your pain and punishing you for having exposed it.

If you are in an abusive relationship and have observed this tendency, you can help yourself immensely by not falling prey to this dynamic. You are not responsible for the impact of your disclosure on your partner. What he/she does with it is his/her business. You must step back and refrain from engaging in the violator-victim flip.

For more information about controlling husbands, visit www.preventabusiverelationships.com/controlling_relationship.php and claim your Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Psychologist Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps couples worldwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. © Jeanne King, Ph.D. — Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention