Relationship Responsibility – The Misconception
of Responsibility in Controlling Relationships

by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

“He wants what he wants when he wants it. And if he doesn’t get it, you’re in trouble.” Sound familiar?

He may whine, pout, start a fight about something else...hold resentment indefinitely. Who knows? One thing for sure here is that he has made you responsible for his well-being.

Responsibility in Abusive Relationships

Responsibility is a hard concept for some people to grasp when it comes to personal relationships. In abusive relationships, it is not only difficult, it’s outright complicated.

Generally both individuals in the relationship live by the same set of lies concerning responsibilities. For example, he may believe that she is there to entertain and take care of his every need. And she, too, believes that when he walks through that door, her time is his time.

Whose Job Is That?

Eventually the day comes when her resentments overshadow her desire to fulfill the demands of “her” responsibility (as described here). And then her partner becomes perplexed, frustrated and out of sorts.

Still the question that remains is, “Whose responsibility is it?” Whose job is it to deliver the attention and affection, anyway? Simply stated, it’s not “her” responsibility...

If she extends herself because she desires to in a non-obligatory fashion, that’s one thing. And that is much different than her being compelled to offer up complacently—merely to control the outcome after the fact.

Boundaries and Responsibility in Controlling Relationships

Complacency attention and affection will get you in trouble the more and the longer you do it. What you must recognize is your part in this dynamic. Just because you assume responsibility for something doesn’t make it your “job.”

If you take it on, making it as your job so that you control his behavior toward you, then you can be sure he will control your behavior with respect to him. In this endless spiral of confusion, one cannot know their partner much less themselves.

To avoid the confusion of falsely assigned responsibilities, look within for your truth and give to your partner from there—authentically.

For more information about controlling relationships, visit www.preventabusiverelationships.com/controlling_relationship.php and claim your Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Psychologist Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps couples nationwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. © Jeanne King, Ph.D. — Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

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