Family Violence and Child Abuse
The Hard Core Dilemma for Mothers
of Abused Children

 

by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

 

Some realities you only know by virtue of your own experience or that of someone near and dear. The dilemma for mothers of abused children is one of these.

Seventeen years ago, I put my young child (nine at the time) into the car and off we drove to the police station. In route, I had this feeling that what was ahead was going to change my life. I just didn’t know, at the time, how it would change.

Do You Want to File a Police Report?

My child exposed a huge bruise from a belt beating across his thigh and the officer said, "Ma’am...Do you want to file a complaint?”

Innocently, I said, “No,” I just want his father (my now ex) to stop hurting him.” The officer said, “Lady if you don’t file it...I will.”

I knew the potential of the child protective services taking the children if I didn’t protect them from child abuse. Plus, as a mental health care provider, I was a mandated reporter. So, by law I was obligated to report this event.

Social Consequences for Attempting to Protect Your Young

I anticipated that the system would step in and blow the whistle on this “bad behavior” (child abuse) in our home, and there would be change...and we’d live in the benefit of that transformation. It didn’t occur to me that players in the family would actually perpetuate the child abuse over arresting and remedying it.

My mother-in-law convinced her son that “my actions” of filing a complaint, which then inspired a child protective services investigation, would “ruin his caree,” as a physician. What was really inspired by this so-called system intervention and investigation was the beginning of a campaign to end my contact with my minor children.

Domestic Violence Divorce

When doctors abuse their young, it gets complicated. Society may seek to protect them from the exposure, or it can go the other way where society enjoys exposing their conduct to set an example of the system’s authority. Each case has its own politics.

Nonetheless, what we see in domestic violence divorce is a trend toward punishing the protective parent for exposing child abuse. She’s dammed if she does and dammed if she doesn’t.

When she does shine the light on the abuse issue, she can be silenced during her divorce as a counter-ploy of her opposition’s counsel. You see, in the divorce arena it’s not about creating consequences for child abuse; rather, it is about separating families and property.

Silencing Family Violence

Now the best way to silence abuse is, of course, to silence the abused. In family court this is done by ignoring the expressed wishes of the abused children and silencing the concerns of the protective parent.

When the protective parent fights back, the dynamics can escalate to a higher level of attack. In reality the best way to ultimately silence a victim is to discredit them. Now, there are two ways to discredit a victim of domestic violence: a) make them crazy or b) park them in jail.

Both methods of pathologizing and criminalizing those that speak out about domestic violence in divorce court are effective ways to silence the abuse. What this means is that the person campaigning to end domestic abuse can be punished for their efforts. This is the dilemma for mothers of abused children.

Finding Hope in the Dark Social Secret

Now this in no way suggests that you should keep your mouth shut if your little ones are being abused. Instead, this is to enlighten you about the fact that you must be mindful that following your reflexive instincts could yield additional problems.

Further, this is not intended to imply that you shouldn’t fight back in divorce court. To the contrary…fight back, but do so wisely. You must learn how to navigate the system before you naively walk the troubled waters of family violence intervention and domestic violence divorce.

For more information on family violence and domestic violence divorce visit www.DomesticViolenceDivorce.com and claim your Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Psychologist Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps couples nationwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. © Jeanne King, Ph.D. — Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

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